Therapy

This month marks my third month of going to therapy and I am very grateful for this space I never knew I needed.

Growing up in an Asian household and community there were few conversations regarding mental health and with any problems in general. Most people kept their problems to themselves because that's how they were raised and also due to fear of judgement and criticism from others. From a young age I have been conditioned to be strong and to get over things; I remember in high school I came home crying because we lost an important basketball game. My Mom asked me why I was crying and I told her the reason, she said it wasn't an important reason to be crying. I was so upset at her but as I have gotten older I realized she never had a space to share her thoughts and emotions. She was not intentionally being mean to me, she simply did not understand.

We talked about feelings to an extent in my family, most times I was nervous/scared to tell my parents things because I knew they had so much going on trying to run their business and to also be parents. When I reflect back on my upbringing I can see why I am the way that I am about certain things and I also know how I don't want to be when it comes to my own family. I want my kids to feel safe and comfortable with our relationship to tell me anything, if they were in trouble or needed my help- I want them to think of me or JP as the first person that they can call on. 

It is very important to have open and honest conversations even if they are uncomfortable, the topic of therapy was one that I had with myself for two years. I was struggling with my Mom's passing no matter how much I tried to think positive- I was suffering from insomnia, anxiety attacks and overall I was not in a healthy state of mind. It was hard to take in advice from friends and people when it came to my Mom especially since they did not have experience with losing a parent. It's easy to tell someone to "cheer up" "she's in a better place now" "just be strong" but to experience the pain and grief of losing your parent and the mental and emotional turmoil that is constantly happening is completely different.

I thought therapy was for people who didn't know what was happening inside their mind, I on the other hand knew exactly what was affecting me so I was not sure how a therapist could help me. I kept trying to figure things out on my own but truth was I did not know how to navigate my life with grief in a healthy manner. I first thought of seeing a therapist in 2018 but didn't take actions towards it until 2019, I wasn't sure where to look for one so I looked for one through Yelp and booked an appointment with a therapist off of his reviews. I felt so anxious throughout the entire process, just looking and booking an appointment brought so many different thoughts and emotions. 30 minutes before my appointment my therapist emailed to cancel which was really hard on me, I felt betrayed as I finally built enough courage to seek help. A few months later before my birthday I fell into depression, even though it had been four years since my Mom has passed- the pain was still fresh and I did not know how to process or manage my feelings at all.

Time passed and now it's late September of 2020, I can feel myself revisiting negative emotions again- I am not feeling like myself mentally nor emotionally. The thought of therapy has lingered in my mind still and I knew that if I did not try to seek help again I would be going down a slippery slope. It took everything within me to look for a therapist again, I knew that I could not let one failed therapist or my own walls stop me from getting the help I needed and deserved. As I started looking online again I was SO anxious! I could feel myself getting emotional, my heart and mind racing- it was a lot. I saw an ads for online therapy sights such as Better Help and Open Path so I decided to look at both and of the two Open Path was the better choice for me.

The website is very easy to navigate, you’ll first enter your city/state and it’ll return you a list of therapists that matches your search criteria, you can also filter out your criteria with race/ethnicity, specialties, modality, treatment orientation, age specialty and language specialty. The list of therapists will also include whether or not they’re accepting new clients and if online therapy is available. You can view their full profile which will show their availability, costs per session (ranges from $30-$80/session), qualifications, skills and expertise, treatment orientation and more.

During my search my criteria included Asian, female and expertise in grief, it was important for me to have my therapist be an Asian female as I would feel more comfortable with someone who shared similar upbringings and cultural values. I emailed a therapist for an introduction call, I was so nervous about it and when it was time for my call I cried a lot. She was nice but it didn't feel completely right, I took my time on emailing her back to start my first session and when I did she said her schedule was busy so she couldn’t take me on. It ended up being a blessing in disguise because I kept searching and found my current therapist who I have been with since November. It was VERY important to feel good with your therapist, if the energy is off and/or you don't feel heard/safe/etc- it is completely okay to end it and search for a new therapist. My mentor and some clients have told me that finding the right therapist is like dating which makes complete sense to me now.

If you have thought about going to therapy I want you to know that it is completely okay and normal to want to seek help. For 31 years of my life I thought I needed to be strong and that I can figure things out on my own but the truth is I don't need to do it on my own. Going to therapy these past three months have helped me better navigate my thoughts and emotions, I have realized there are other areas that I need help on aside from grief. I am looking forward to continuing therapy for as long as I need to- my mental health deserves this safe space, it deserves my time and energy.

I will continue to share my journey with you all in hopes that we continue to have open conversations regarding therapy and mental health.

Take gentle care,
Anne