IT JUST HAS TO START
"It doesn't have to be perfect, it just hast to start." - Angelia Trinidad
This quote replays in my head multiple times throughout my day. Times when I feel doubtful- I say it to myself, times where I hesitate- I say it to myself, times when I need a positive reminder- I say it to myself. This quote is also on the back on my Passion Planner which she created, a life tool that I greatly cherish. Thank you SS for this quote and for all that you have done for me. I love you more than you will ever know.
So here I am, starting.
My original website was launched in June of 2016, designed by Pacific Breeze Marketing. I absolutely loved it, there was so much hard work and time put into it by the team. I even had a website launch party in conjunction with my two year anniversary as a trainer. However I did not continue to put in the time, love and care I needed to in keeping my website up and running. I did not make the time to write even though I thought about writing often. Time kept going by and month after month my website that I had such high hopes for was left at a standstill.
I cannot recall the last time I published a blog post on my website. There were so many times I told myself "I will start tomorrow, I will start next week, I miss writing." But there was something inside of me that was hesitant. 2017 was a year of trials and tribulations, I have been an emotional wreck inside yet on the surface it seemed as though I have everything all figured out. I knew I could not keep living life that way and I knew I needed change.
Writing is my purest outlet. When I am able to write, truly write without the fear of what others may think- that is when I feel free. The mind is a beautiful thing however our mind can also be our prison when we are trapped in our thoughts. I decided to start over. I realized that I did not understand how to fully utilize my previous website on WordPress. I switched over to SquareSpace and to be honest, I still do not know what I am doing. I am not a tech savvy person. It took me hours just to figure out the current situation of what you are currently seeing now. The other night I was completely frustrated and felt as though this needed to be perfect before I could share it. There are countless websites/blogs and a part of me felt like I needed this to be as good as theirs but I reminded myself that comparison is the thief of joy. I lived too many years comparing myself to others and at this point in my life I refuse to get back into that mindset.
Today has been a very emotional day for me, the last seven hours I have been in and out of tears ever since reading a DM regarding my family. To say the message hit home is an understatement. January is always a hard time for me because February marks the anniversary of my Mom's passing. I think about her all the time, so much if not all that I do is because of her and my Dad. It never gets easier and as strong as I am mentally and emotionally- there are days where my anxiety overcomes me and I break down. I remember when my Mom first passed I could not cry, I would tear up thinking about her but that would be it. It was not until a year later that it hit me, I had just left the gym..gotten into my car and started breaking down. I cried so hard that my soul hurt but at the same time it felt so good to finally let it out.
I try my best to keep my spirits up for my Mom because I know she would not want me to be sad but today was one of those days where my emotions ran rapid- sadness, regret, love, anger, gratitude..they all came crashing together. Thankfully JP lives with me now and has been such an amazing support system to me during these times and at all times.
Today made me realize that a part of me stopped writing because of the pain and sadness I felt regarding my Mom's passing. For Mother's Day last year I was not able to write a post about her, there was so much to say however the words were not coming out. When she first passed writing about her helped me feel better but as time passed it became harder, it has been almost a year since I last wrote about her. With her three year anniversary approaching, I am working on and working through a lot of thoughts and feelings- me being able to write again speaks volumes to me about where I am at in my grieving process. I know that I will never be okay, I know that I am going to live the rest of my life working through this.
I am currently a little bit all over the place and it is okay. My website is under construction and it is okay. I honestly do not know what direction I want to take with blogging and it is okay.
I am here. I am taking steps to express myself through my writing- to heal my heart, to share my stories, to inspire others who may be going through the same situations.
I am here.
"It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to start."
I did it.
And it feels...freeing.